[Note: tone of this post is entirely satirical. Please don’t take me seriously.]
One television show I really liked before I came to Thailand was Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. Is it still running? Anyhow, I loved it. Especially the episodes that would make me cry – which was basically almost every show.
There have been various times since I moved here that I joked with various people about contacting Extreme Makeover: Home Edition to come and redo our house. Faye, one of my previous roommates, used to love that show too and the two of us would laugh just over the idea of us contacting them. Them or Oprah.
Don’t get me wrong – the house I live in is very live-able but very much a village house. I won’t go into the nitty gritty details of what’s “challenging” about it but recently the issue that plagues us and our house is mold.
It’s the middle of rainy season and like mushrooms growing abundantly in the forest, due to the large amount of rain and very little sun, mold is growing ’round my house. There’s no telling where it’ll show up… or even where it is right now. Lori had to clean out her clothes cupboard – I guess that would be a closet, wouldn’t it? – and I had to clean off mold from the sides of my dresser. I am terrified of the mold. Not so much of the health repercussions – because I’m sure that there are some and I probably should be afraid of those too but I really can’t do anything about it – but mainly because I’m afraid it really will take over my house. Furniture, clothes, books… And I can’t do a thing to stop it.
Now if I lived in a house with glass in the windows, maybe I could do something. If I lived in a house with no cracks to outside between the floor boards or the boards that make up the walls, then perhaps I could keep the mold at bay or even be able to get rid of it. But I don’t live in a house like that. There’s no way to keep moisture out. And there’s no way to force the sun to come out for a few days and dry things up.
So this is where I write to Extreme Makeover…. Village Edition.
I know it would never fly. I mean, there’s no way my neighbours would ever feel sorry enough for me to come and help paint something or make a collage for our house. Their houses (and mold problems, I’m guessing) are in far worse shape. Some of them don’t even have walls. Most of them don’t have any screens on their windows. Extreme Makeover: Village Edition should actually come and help them! Except I don’t think that would go over very well…
And aside from my unsympathetic neighbours, there’s the issue that my house really needs to fit into the village – you know? So Extreme Makeover: Village Edition would have to recreate my house to basically look like a village house on the outside and in the downstairs (because the door is literally ALWAYS OPEN – except at night – and people can see in and come in), but upstairs… it’ll be a little piece of heaven right here in Sop Soi. Just think of the electricity bills and outages from all the cool appliances and gadgets they’ll give us. We’ve never had a theft problem here but oh my would we have a theft issue after Extreme Makeover: Village Edition comes to help us. We might not have mold anymore, but we won’t have anything else either. I guess that would help with fitting into the village better though… our neighbours would more easily identify with us. Maybe even the bird problem would be gone!
But there’s an even bigger reason why this would never work.
The bus would never be able to get down our street.